*Originally written February 23rd, 2018*
We've finally made it, boys. We made it to the end of this god-awful putrid trilogy, whether you watched it out of dedication to your girlfriend/wife, ironic laughs, or if it's just because you hate yourself, it's over. God, I hope so at least. Based on the money this garbage series has made, I wouldn't be surprised if they try to milk this franchise for more.
The series ended like it began, with a poor script, laughably bad plot-twists and some of the most bored acting I've seen in a while. Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey's story is at an end and after three films, these characters have barely changed. I'm honestly not sure what the character arc of these people was meant to be.
Christian Grey is still a complete bore and a controlling sociopath, despite now being married and facing the prospect of children in his life. Anna on the other hand has just become less shy, but is still in love with a complete creep. Honestly, what kind of relationship can last when your husband's reaction to the news you are pregnant happens like it does in this film?
Despite the stars being payed mega money for this garbage franchise, I oddly feel sorry for Jamie Dornan, you can just see the regret in his eyes during every scene. They're vacant with a hint of sadness. He just looks bored and his lack of chemistry with Dakota Johnson, who is still trying with the god-awful script she's reading from, bless her.
For a film series that's about BDSM, the trilogy is at least consistent with delivering the least sexy sex scenes that from been there from the start. It's all remarkably tame and poor. There's a scene with Ben and Jerry's that comes off as just disgusting rather than erotic. I mean, have you ever wanted to see Dakota Johnson lick ice-cream off a hairy nipple? Well, this film might just be for you. Gross.
As much as I'm trashing this garbage display. There is at least a lot of ironic entertainment to come out of this. I found the first hour or so incredibly boring, but once the film bizarrely changes tones into a thriller, I had some of the best laughs I've had all year. The plot-twists and where things go are so bat-shit insane. Things just happen with no reason then with no real consequence. Realism is thrown completely out of the window and is all the more entertaining for it. It's astonishing how incompetent this whole series has been. The last five minutes also include a big moment that feels like it addresses some sort of closure for Christian that I don't think had even been mentioned before?
They also do a complete Spectre plot-twist involving series villain Jack Hyde and the characters reaction to the news is one of utter indifference rather than shock, it was incredible. The last scene even tries to pull at the heart strings of the fans of this series by giving you a highlight reel from all three Shades films before going to credits. Incredible.
Fifty Shades Freed better be the last entry in this series, because I am done. It ended like it started, a poorly acted, disastrously plotted and scripted mess that can only be enjoyed by laughing at it. RIP Fifty Shades. I hope to god everyone involved can move on from this series and forget it ever happened.
Fifty Shades Freed is out now in cinemas in the UK
Watch the trailer below: